Son
by jennifer snape
Summary: Harry and Draco finally find comfort in each other. HarryDraco oneshot.


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Son

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Harry rolled over and stretched his arm out lazily, grasping at – nothing. He frowned and cracked one sleep-filled eye open, blinking in the hazy darkness at the empty space beside him. He sighed as his outstretched arm touched the cold mattress and he raised his head, blinking dazedly at the green digits on the bedside clock.

_4:15_

Harry rubbed his forehead tiredly and rolled onto his back once more, staring at the ceiling in despair. He couldn't remember the last time that he and Draco had slept through a full night. It seemed that more and more often these days, Harry would wake early like this to find his husband gone.

The dark-haired man raised himself to a sitting position and fumbled tiredly for his glasses before settling the frames on his nose. He blinked a few times whilst the room slowly swam into focus. A glimmer of movement caught his eye and he instinctively turned his head towards the source - the photograph of himself, Draco, and Toby their son, that graced his bedside table. Harry felt his breath catch as he raised a trembling hand and traced the outline of the laughing figures with one finger. The picture had been taken two years before, during the snowfall. All three were dressed in winter clothes and the family were huddled close together as a cold wind whipped at their long scarves. Draco's right arm was slung about Harry's shoulders, holding him tightly, and Toby was resting on his left hip, his fathers' arms protecting him against the frosty air. Every so often a stray snowflake landed on Harry's neck and Draco laughingly licked it off, causing his husband to blush a little.

Harry wrenched his hand away, a lump beginning to form in his throat, and stood slowly, reaching for his dressing gown. He slid the cotton garment over his bare back and loosely fastened the belt just over the top of his shorts, his bare chest still visible.

He ran a tired hand through his messy hair and left the bedroom, knowing exactly where to find Draco. With a heavy heart, he walked automatically down the short corridor and stopped at the first doorway on the right. The door to their son's room was half open, just as it always was, and the silvery moonlight that flooded through the window beyond illuminated a hunched figure sitting at the child's desk at the far side of the room. Harry had hand-crafted the small wooden table himself two years ago, and he fondly remembered how he and Draco had carried it up from the garden shed outside and placed it here in Toby's room. The little boy had been delighted with it. And here it had remained ever since.

But now it was Draco's tall frame that sat on the small stool before the tiny desk, just as it had been for many nights before this. Draco hadn't heard Harry arrive, or at least if he had he gave no sign. Harry wasn't even sure if his husband knew that he often woke in the early hours and followed him here. Usually Harry just watched him from the doorway, as Draco, seemingly oblivious to his presence, spent night after night here. Sometimes Draco would just stare out of the window, sometimes he would sit by the bed, his head in his arms, and sometimes he would rifle through the wardrobe, fingering the little clothes that hung there, clinging to whatever memories he could find. Harry didn't even know himself why he came to watch Draco like this. Perhaps he was waiting for something to happen. Or perhaps some small, selfish part of him took comfort in the fact that Draco wasn't coping either. Harry didn't know if his husband was aware that he often watched him like this. Or if he even cared. They never talked about it. They never really talked about much these days.

On this occasion, Draco was fiddling with the toy car that they had bought Toby for his fifth birthday. The right front wheel lay abandoned upon the table whilst Draco struggled with the underside of the miniature vehicle. Harry stared at the moonlit silvery-golden hair, bobbed low over the desk as long, slender fingers worked impatiently. Toby had played with the car so much that it had broken over a year ago. Harry felt a stab through his stomach as vivid images came to the forefront of his mind….

_Draco kissed the little boy's dark tousled hair as he held him tightly on his lap._

"_And this one's from me and your Dad." Harry held out the gift and affectionately ruffled the little boy's hair while the youngster bounced up and down excitedly on Draco's knee._

"_What is it? What is it, Daddy?"_

"_Why don't you open it and see?" Harry grinned._

_Toby's little fingers pulled at the already falling-apart wrapping – an extremely haphazard attempt on Draco's part – and wrenched the car free. _

"_Wow! A car! A car! Just like yours!" His face beamed and he twisted in Draco's lap to plant a kiss on his father's cheek_

"_That's right, sweetheart," Harry smiled. "You're a big boy now. Soon you'll be driving!"_

_And Toby grasped his toy with both hands and drove it along the ground excitedly, chasing Draco with it as the blonde-haired man laughingly crawled away_….

Harry's eyes stung with fresh tears and he turned to leave, a sob rising in his throat. The painful memory tugged at his heart and his insides twisted until he could hardly bear it. But as he grasped the door handle something made him stop. He suddenly felt compelled to stay. He wiped his face and hesitated for a moment by the doorway, unsure of what to do.

Harry swallowed slowly and walked hesitantly towards the lone figure. "Draco - " he whispered softly.

Draco jolted a little but didn't raise his head. "Stupid wheel," he muttered under his breath, trying to force it into place with little success.

Harry placed a warm hand tenderly on the blonde's shoulder and felt the tension in the taller man's body. "Leave it, Draco," he said in a strained voice. But the blonde continued to struggle as if Harry hadn't spoken. The soft hand grasped him a little tighter. "Come back to bed," Harry coaxed, his voice tightening slightly.

"Can't you see I'm busy?" Draco retorted coldly. Harry shrank back and pulled his hand away.

Draco immediately cursed himself. _You idiot, can't you see he's trying to help? _He grimaced, feeling ashamed. They had been like this for months. Just existing in the same household, barely saying two words to each other. It was amazing how they could be standing right beside each other and yet a giant chasm would exist between them. His voice lowered and he stared at his hands for a moment. "I'm sorry."

"Draco - " Harry knelt beside him tiredly and rested a hand on the stubborn wizard's thigh, stroking his leg tentatively. Draco exhaled shakily but continued with his task, his lower lip trembling slightly as he resolutely avoided Harry's gaze. Harry inhaled deeply and reached for Draco's hands, grasping them tightly within his own. "He's not coming back." The words almost stuck in his throat.

Draco's eyes flashed darkly. "Well he's not going to if his toys are half broken, is he?" he replied stiffly, jerking his hands away and continuing to fumble with the upturned car.

Harry raked an unsteady hand through his messy dark hair and forced his husband to face him. "Please, Draco." His felt his own cheeks moisten as he looked at his husband and his heart broke to see the pained expression on Draco's face. "He's gone."

Draco's hands suddenly faltered and the toy dropped from his hands onto the desk with a thud. His arms trembled and he hung his head, silent tears tracing down his cheeks.

Harry's voice took on a slightly bitter tone. "He's gone. You've got to get through this…. It's been nearly a year - "

Draco wrenched his arm away and stood suddenly, his chair tipping over with the sudden movement. "I know how long it's been! Do you think I don't count the days?"

Harry suddenly felt his temper rising and his breathing quickened. He had had enough of tip-toeing around his husband. Did he think that he was the only one who was hurting? He glared at the taller man. "How would I know? It's not as if you even talk to me anymore!"

Draco span around angrily and faced Harry, his grey eyes blazing fiercely. "Well I'm sorry I'm not coping like you! I'm sorry I'm not _brave_," he retorted, fighting back tears. "I haven't fought a giant snake or – or stood up against The Dark Lord - "

The words stung Harry, and his eyes widened in fury as he listened to the blonde's angry outburst. He couldn't believe what he was hearing. _How dare he_….

"Oh how lucky I am!" Harry snapped bitterly. "How fortunate I've got a lump of stone where my heart should be!" He kicked the wall in anger before turning towards his husband, his chest heaving. "Damn it, Draco! Do you really believe that?"

Draco shrank back slightly, rather taken aback at this.

Harry's eyes flashed darkly and his lips twisted bitterly. "Is that what you think? Don't bother with Harry, his son's just died but not to worry - he's faced Voldemort before so dealing with this should be a piece of cake!" He turned away, clearly fighting back tears. He wiped his hands across his face, his shoulders shaking violently.

Draco's face softened as he stared at his husband, as if seeing him for the first time. "I never knew you felt like this," he whispered. All this time he had thought that he was the only one who was falling apart.

"Just because I don't wail and scream doesn't mean I'm not breaking up inside, Draco." Harry's voice faltered and the words caught in his dry throat. His shoulders shuddered and he rested on the tiny desk for support. He felt his lungs threaten to close but somehow he forced the words out. "I held him in my arms as he was dying." Harry's voice was hoarse and his tears thickened the sound. "You've got no idea what that felt like. He begged me - " Harry's shoulders heaved, his whole body trembling as he remembered that awful night. "He begged me, Draco. He _begged_ me. Please, Daddy, I don't want to die. Save me, please. Don't let me die, Daddy - " Harry felt his body weaken as the unbearable pain and emotion came rushing to the surface. He felt as though he might be sick and his hand flew to his mouth. "You've got no idea what that was like," he choked.

Harry's knees gave way and he fell to the ground, covering his face. Hot tears streamed thick and fast down his face. Whirlwind images of a wand pointing at Toby's chest, of a screamed curse, and of himself holding a small, lifeless body in his arms flew to the front of his mind – memories that he had shut away for so long, believing that they would disappear if he just avoided them. He remembered stroking Toby's soft hair and whispering to him that everything would be alright, knowing in his own breaking heart that it wouldn't, knowing that the last words he was telling his little boy were a lie, as those dark eyes closed for the last time. Harry rocked back and forth desperately, trying to banish the tormenting images that he had suppressed for so, so long.

Draco's lips trembled as he felt a stab of pain jolt through his heart. His body remained frozen in the centre of the room as he stared at his husband in sudden realisation. _Harry blames himself_. He took a step towards the sobbing man. "You never told me - "

"That curse was meant for me, Draco! It was meant for me, not him! My baby boy, my beautiful baby boy…." The anguish in his voice tore at Draco's heart and all he wanted to do was hold him, stroke him. Comfort the man that he hadn't so much as touched in nearly a year. A strangled sob shook through Harry's entire body as he continued to rock back and forth mindlessly. "I couldn't help him. I was there and I couldn't help him…."

Draco wrung his hands together, helplessly, not knowing what to say to help him. "It was an accident, Harry," he said lamely. "There was nothing you could do."

But Harry didn't hear him. "All my life I've been saving everyone…the only person I couldn't save was my own son."

A loud sob left his throat and suddenly the pain and the anger and the grief were all too much to bear. It was in that instant that Draco felt himself fall instinctively to his husband's side and grasp him, pulling his shaking body towards him fiercely while Harry clung to him, desperately, burying his face in Draco's chest while the taller wizard stroked his back. At that moment, Draco was the only solid rock in the torrential tide of pain that was washing over him, and he didn't know if he'd ever be able to let go. Harry moaned into Draco's shirt, the grief too enormous to contain. "I couldn't save him, I couldn't save him…."

"Shhh…." Draco held the distraught man in his arms lovingly and kissed the top of his head as he rocked him gently, his own tears falling onto those dark curls that were so like Toby's.

And in each other's arms, for the first time since they had lost their son, they cried together.


End file.
